story/joke contest..

[killing4ajob]

5 points to enter..
winner gets all the points that have been donated to do this compition..
who ever tells me the funiest story or joke winns
 

[killing4ajob]

post storys or jokes in here compition ends on the 15th

[killing4ajob]

can do up to three storys or jokes

[TwIzTeD]

A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to the secretary, 'I would like to join this damn church.' The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?' 'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!' 'I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.'

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, 'Sir, what seems to be the problem here?' There is no damn problem,' the man says. 'I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. 'I see...' said the pastor. 'And is this bitch giving you a hard time???'

[Mr.Lethal]

Ok well i got one kind of a dirty joker but its funny ok If you had a uncle named jack would you help your uncle jack off the horse hehe.

[MrPink]

A trucker walks into a restaurant. The waitress comes to take his order. The trucker says " i want 3 flat tires, 2 headlights and 2 running boards." the waitress looking confused, but didnt want to look stupid, takes her pin and just writes the order down. The waitress then asks the chef "are we running an auto-parts store or something? because this trucker just ordered 3 flat tires, 2 headlights and 2 running boards" the chef chuckles and replies "that simple, he wants 3 pancakes, 2 eggs sunny side up, and 2 extra crispy bacon." The waitress, thinking thats funny, laughs and grabs a bowl. She then walked to fill the bowl with beans and sets it in front of the trucker. The trucker gives the waitress a funny look and asks "whats with the beans?" The waitress replied " I thought you might want to gas up before your meal" 

[woodsy123]

A man and woman are in bed messing around on there honeymoon, the bride says "ive got somthing to tell you, i used to be a hooker", the grooms face lights up and he gets exited he then asks "her what did u used 2 do" the bride replys " wel my name was george and i played for Saint Helens".

[woodsy123]

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

[ADMIN]

OK let's make this official:
1. After this post - each one register with only ONE joke.
2. We'll allow joke postings for 2-3 days.
3. After that we'll make a pool and allow the other people to vote for their favorite joke.

Now here are the prizes:
1st prize: 300 points
2nd prize: 200 points
3rd prize: 100 points

Now make people laugh!

P.S. killing4ajob, I apologize for taking over your post.

[ThaddeusXIV]

 An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

This one's for Pops*Bugzz*
 

[saysquash]

two guys were out fishing in their boat. one of them snagged an old bottle and sure enough out pops a genie and tells him he will grant him 1 wish. he says, turn the lake to beer. the genie says alacazam, disapears, and the lake turns to beer. he proudly says to his buddy, what do you think of that? his friend says " YOU IDIOT, now we have to piss in the boat!!.

[TangsPimpslappedAlex]

Husband's Story: "Why I fired My Secretary"


Last week was my birthday

and I didn't feel very well

waking up on that morning.



I went downstairs for breakfast

hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,

"Happy Birthday!",

and possibly have a small present for me.



As it turned out,

she barely said good morning,

let alone

" Happy Birthday."



I thought...

Well,

that's marriage for you,

but the kids....

They will remember.



My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast,

and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office,

I felt pretty low,

and somewhat despondent.





As I walked into my office,

my secretary, Jane, said,

"Good Morning Boss,

and by the way,

Happy Birthday ! "

It felt a little better

that at least someone had remembered.





I worked until one o'clock ,

when Jane knocked on my door

and said, "You know,

It's such a beautiful day outside,

and it is your Birthday,

what do you say we go out to lunch,

just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane,

that's the greatest thing

I've heard all day.

Let's go !"



We went to lunch.

But we didn't go

where we normally would go.

She chose instead a quiet bistro

with a private table.

We had two martinis each,

and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.



On the way back to the office,

Jane said, "You know,

It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office,

Do We ?"



I responded,

"I guess not.

What do you have in mind ?"

She said,

"Let's drop by my apartment,

it's just around the corner."



After arriving at her apartment,

Jane turned to me and said,

" Boss, if you don't mind,

I'm going to step into the bedroom

for just a moment.

I'll be right back."





"Ok." I nervously replied.



She went into the bedroom and,

after a couple of minutes,

she came out

carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed

by my wife,

my kids,

and dozens of my friends

and co-workers,

all singing "Happy Birthday".





And I just sat there...



On the couch...















































Naked. 

[TheJoker]

Ok, I know a couple jokes, but im´a just pull one then

Tha Hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
. The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.
" There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[lord_osolod]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the
supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked
beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.

Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[gunslinger]

how 2 kill a polar bear....

first u cut a hole in the ice. then u line it with peas. then when the polar bear bends over to take a pea u kick him in the icehole.